Some sort of street sweeping monster woke me up at 5. Apparently there is at least one downside to being right next to the action. After getting some food and a massage ($10 off for racers! nice!) I spent the day trying to catch up with work and getting on the apartment's wireless before heading out to do some grocery shopping. Here's where things got good.
After parking, I spent some time digging through the trunk of my car in search of a grocery bag. During this time, an old guy with a white beard, walking stick, and funny hat ambled up.
Old guy: "you look like a college student"
Me: "yep."
Old guy: "Ha! I always could tell!"
Me: "can you guess what sort?"
OG: "computers and technology. And satellites!"
Me: "not bad, except for that last part. Well, listen mister i-"
OG: "I'm not going to bullshit you brother. I'm 60 years old and I served in Nam. I'm waiting on my check, but until that comes in I could use some cash."
Me: "hmm."
OG: "Listen, I ain't bullshitting you. I just need a couple bucks to get a hot meal and be on my way."
Me: "Tell you what. I need to get some groceries and that'll take me about 15 minutes. After I do that, how about we head over to the place down the road and I buy you dinner?"
OG: "Naw man, I only deal in cash. You know what plastic does?"
Me: "No, what?"
OG: "It turns you in to plastic."
Me: "say what?"
OG: "It makes you superficial."
Me: "Uh, I think I see what you're getting at, but I contest your claim that credit cards necessarily make you superficial."
OG: "What's more important? Money, or gold?
Me: "Uh, they're both not important."
OG: "ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You're absolutely correct!"
Me: "Tell you what: I'm going to go get me some groceries, and when I get back how about we walk down there and grab a beer?"
OG looks at me incredulously
OG: "You buyin'?!"
Me: "yeah"
OG: "Sergeant Bill Something Something! Something-th infantry! At your service!"
Salute. Shake hands.
Me: "hahaha, ok, be right back."
I go shopping, and as I'm checking out, Bill comes in and harasses the employees. One guy calls him an idiot, to which Bill indicates "Eric knows me!" and points my way.
We walk over to Moon Time, the bar up the road that was requested by the lady renting my apartment.
Bill and I grab a table in the corner and order a couple of beers and start chatting. It was a legitimately good conversation. I initially thought he was your generic crazy homeless guy, but he was actually really well read, intelligent, and fun to talk with. Well, ok, maybe he was a little crazy. Here are some excerpts:
Bill: "what's the most devastating intellectual question you've ever been asked?"
Me: "devastating?"
Bill: "yeah, you know, hardest?"
Me: "uhh..."
After thinking a while I said: "Ok, I'll give you 3 hard questions I've been asked."
Me: "1) What do you want to be when you grow up? 2) Why are we here? 3) Why did you do that?
Bill liked the first two, but didn't like the third. When I asked him the same question, he said "when my 4-year-old son asked me 'are you my daddy?'"
We conversed for a while about string theory, CERN, gravity, the diameter of the earth, and then Bill busts out with this:
Bill: "You know, that still doesn't answer one devastating question."
Me: "What's that?"
Bill: "Why are women fat?"
I spray beer out of my mouth.
Bill: "They got fat legs, fat hips, fat tits."
Me: "Sorry I spit on you."
Bill told me about how when he was 16, his father's friend, who wasn't homosexual or anything, wanted to take him on a 3 week trip. After getting permission from his parents, his dad's friend took him to the Philippines. Apparently a man approached him there and said "you will be a very happy man." Bill followed him to his house, where he had 2 dozen kids, and followed him into the back yard, where he stated again "you will be a very happy man." This time, the man hit bill in the head really hard. Bill stayed there for 3 weeks and was taught Karate. He can now internalize pain and release it. "This doesn't make me a bad dude," he clarified.
an obese woman walks into the bar
Bill: "holy shit, look at this one. how'd you like to sleep with that?!"
Some other Bill-isms:
"You ever been fishing? Women are like fish. When you cast a line, you don't know if you'll get a bite or if they'll take off with your hook."
"You can't even conceptualize the power of the sun. It's pulling us around it at 25,000 miles per hour! What if another star is pulling on our star like that?!"
"Do you believe in UFO's?"
"My brother is a Marine. When I got back from Nam, I told him that if he ever hurt me again, I'd shoot him. He knew I wasn't kidding."
This entire time, Sgt. Bill was salting his beers. Not just the coaster, mind you, but the actual beers. And just eating the salt, too.
Me: "So how long do you think it'll take you to walk to your daughter's place?"
(we previously established he was walking to his daughter's in Pasco and that he had been walking for "too long" since being discharged from an unnamed VA hospital somewhere)
Bill: "Depends on how much energy I have"
Me: "ha, yeah."
Bill: "I'll get there when I get there. Hey, did you know they're doing the ironman here this weekend?"
Me: "That's what I'm here for."
Bill: "Fuck. You're in town for the ironman? Why the fuck would you do that shit? "
Me: "It's not a big deal."
Bill: "Fuck that! Why the hell would you run 112 miles?"
Me: "You're the guy walking across the country with a backpack."
Bill: "hrumph. Ahahahahahaha!"
Me: "I'll get there when I get there"
Bill: "Hey, thanks. Thanks for the beer and conversation."
Me: "Thank you, Sgt. Bill. Take care."
I emphasized the funny/strange stuff above, but I should point out that Sgt. Bill isn't really crazy. He's a good guy and a hard thinker. The moments when he got silent when he spoke about Vietnam were full of pain. His opinions of women were hilarious as well as crass, and his family stories were touching. I hope you make it to Pasco, Sgt. Bill.
No comments:
Post a Comment